Tuesday, February 21, 2012

And So We Rocked...

Today, after yet another power struggle with Aria and her efforts to be in charge of this home and all within, I came to this point...

I wish I could understand her more. I wish I could peer into her past so I could understand why she reacts as she does sometimes. I wish I could see why she goes to that place where she only stares with eyes in such a hauntingly empty and cold way. I wish I knew how to respond effectively each time we get to this or other points. I wish we were out of this phase and into one much further down the road. I wish...

As I held Aria, my heart cried out to God, not knowing what to do or how to get out of this place of hurt and frustration with her. God, give me eyes to see her like you do. Help me to have a soft heart for this child that fights me so defiantly. Help me, help me...

I walked to my room as I held her, trying to catch a glimpse of her face in my mirror. And then I saw my rocking chair, the chair I rocked Elliana, Kael, and Jaevan in so many nights. The chair that I have found so many precious and quiet moments with the Lord. And holding Aria, I sat in the chair...

And so we rocked. Back and forth, back and forth. I held my 4 year old daughter as I did each of my little babies, cradling her head to my chest and holding her little legs in my arms. Back and forth, back and forth. I brushed her hair from her eyes, stroked her cheek. I kissed the top of her head and told her I loved her, that we would figure this out yet. Back and forth, back and forth.

After a while, I asked her if she liked this rocking. I knew she was sensitive to being thought of like a baby, and she was well aware that the way I was holding her is how babies get held. Aria answered without moving, "Yes, I like this..."

And so the rocking continued. Back and forth. We looked into each others' eyes. We talked. We smiled. We bonded, in this special way just as I had with all of my babies.

I figured she had never been rocked before, and I asked her if she had done this in China. She let me know that, no, she didn't do any rocking in China.

It's so sad to have never been rocked. But now I know the secret to coming out of those frustrating moments. And the secret to maybe even preventing them. We can rock, back and forth, making up for the time she never got to be cradled like a baby by her mommy. We can rock, calming our hearts, our minds, our souls. We can rock, bringing a quiet stillness to a world that is sometimes filled with too much to process. We can rock.

And so we did...


  1. Let's just say that I'm glad I'm not wearing any mascara yet.

    So, so beautiful.

  2. And I am not wearing any mascara either. :) I am so touched by this post. I am so thankful God led you to your room...beautiful!

  3. Thank you for sharing this. We leave Mar. 14 and meet our daughter on the 18th. We are telling all our friends to pray on the 17th for her as she leaves all that she has ever known. I tell them to especially pray before they go to bed, because while they sleep her world will be turned upside down. Thanks for your honesty. I need to hear that so we are prepared for that day. I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. She needs to grieve, but I know it will be so hard to watch it happen.

    1. Thanks for sending this to us.

      I sometimes wonder if I share too much, or say things that make me sound crazy. But then I think, that's just pride talking. So I try to be honest about a particular moment in time, a flash of our lives, good or bad. I'm glad that helps someone else be prepared for what could come. I would love to have someone that went before us share some of the things they've gone through so I won't think I suck as a mom when they happen. :)